Is it time for you to reconnect, reinject and protect your most intimate relationship?

If you’re a woman at midlife that uses Instagram, there’s a good chance you will have seen content from Melani Sanders (@justbeingmelani) this month called the ‘We do not care’ club for perimenopausal and menopausal women. These humorous reels have gone viral as Melani lists things women no longer care about at midlife, such as wearing bras or matching clothes. The pace of this account’s growth demonstrates Melani has tapped into a common sense of no longer caring about social ideals and expectations of women at midlife. We can laugh about many of these changes and say with some pride that ‘we do not care’. 

But there’s one aspect of midlife and perimenopause that also changes and we tend to care about this a lot more…our relationships, especially with our significant other.

It is our experience as menopause specialist doctors that most women notice changes and challenges in their relationship around the time of perimenopause, perhaps before they even know they’re in perimenopause.

In our blog this month, we focus on 5 ways relationships can change during this time and offer some practical advice to reconnect, improve and protect your most important relationship/s. And if you’re single, plenty of these tips be adapted to any close relationship you might have.

1. Sleeping problems

Often a forgotten or dismissed factor that impacts on relationships, changes to how and when you sleep, can disrupt your routines as a couple and significantly impact your partner’s wellbeing. If you’re falling asleep as soon as the movie starts, struggling to get off to sleep once in bed, waking frequently in the night (toilet trips in the mix too) or just waking very early wanting to talk about what’s bothering you at 5am, now it isn’t just your problem.

Snoring increases in men and women at midlife due to changes in muscle tone and weight gain, which can really affect quality of sleep for both the snorer and the listener, and how you feel towards your partner in the morning!

A lack of sleep will hinder (both) your ability to function well in the day and affect your mood stability and emotional wellbeing, which can spiral into other issues between the two of you.

So keeping good sleeping habits is an important first step to improving things between the two of you and you can find all of our sleeping tips our sleep guide

2. Mood swings and irritability

 Are you feeling like you have PMS but it’s lasted for months or even years instead of a few days? Emotions all over the place, you cry at the drop of a hat, your temper can go from 0 to 60 in under 10 seconds. It would be almost impossible for these symptoms – caused by hormone surges – to not affect those living around you. So don’t give yourself a hard time about this, you’re doing the best with what your body is going through.

Your moods and behaviour might lead to increased conflict and tension with your partner, resentment, arguments from misunderstandings or misinterpretations, and your loved one feeling like they have to walk on eggshells most of the time. If you perceive that your partner doesn’t understand what you’re going through, you will feel even more deflated and emotionally shut off.

The key here is to keep talking about how you’re feeling, being open and seek to also understand their perspective too, especially when you feel like you want to withdraw from them. Remember that feelings only last around 90 seconds but it’s how you then think about the feeling and how it fits in the stories you tell yourself that it turns into something much bigger. Notice the feeling, be still with it, and then breathe it out. Don’t get stuck thinking about the feeling and stew on it. This will help you act in a more measured way and diffuse tension before it builds.

Our resource on Mood and Emotions is full of helpful tips to understand and manage these ups and downs and reduce the impact on you and your loved ones.

3. Anxiety

In perimenopause, your hormones aren’t just falling, they surge and drop like a rollercoaster. When a surge happens, it’s similar to the threat system being activated in the brain of fright/flight/freeze responses. We are on high alert, fears spiral and we can react to things we wouldn’t normally do. Anxiety is one of the most common and earliest symptoms appearing in perimenopause.

In relationships, anxiety can lead to communication breakdowns, trust issues, and emotional distance. It might look like excessive reassurance-seeking, being overly dependent on them, avoiding intimacy for fear of rejection, or even controlling behaviours. You may overthink conversations, feel jealous perhaps for the first time, or even worry that your partner is cheating. Worrying about the effect your anxiety is having on your relationship is also common.

Once again, the best thing to do is to talk about it with your partner, you may want to re/consider some boundaries or have some couples therapy. It is important that you look at your own anxiety and work on ways to help yourself through a range of calming techniques. You can read more about this our anxiety guide.

4. Confidence and self esteem

A drop in confidence and how you feel about yourself (coinciding with unwanted changes in your physical appearance) can greatly affect your relationship. Your inner critic can get louder at perimenopause as you look for evidence that reinforces certain scripts you may have used over the years about yourself. “You’re not lovable”. “You’re not a good person”. “You’re fat / ugly / a failure”. Living with lots of self-criticism leads to sadness, anxiety, anger and depression.

A lack of confidence may impact your professional and social life as you let work opportunities and social events pass you by. All these factors can impact your relationship and have a knock on effect on intimacy. When it teams up with anxiety, you’ve got a perfect storm for jealousy and insecurities, false accusations, seeking constant validation, or projecting your insecurities onto your partner and being aggressive.

Think about the negative beliefs you have about yourself and list them. Now write the positive arguments against them (imagine what your friend or loved one would say if you’re struggling). Look back at this list often to remind yourself that your beliefs are not true, you’ve been believing fake news!

• Don’t give power to that inner critical voice
• Try not to get stuck in a ‘victim’ narrative
• Let go of being perfect
• Accept we all make mistakes and they don’t reflect who we are
• Practice some positive phrases you can use to rebuff your critic
• And most of all be kind and compassionate to yourself.

5. Intimacy and erotic energy

I’m sure we don’t need to spell out that with perimenopause can come a lack of libido and changes to genitals and sensations that affect your sex life.

If you want to know more about  genital changes, read our blog last month, Changes to your vulva and our resource on GSM.

When thinking about your sexual relationship, it doesn’t just mean how the sex is. Intimacy comes in many forms and is the life force of the erotic energy between you. Conveyed in a sideways glance, a flirty text, brushing past each other, a hug when you need it, a knee squeeze, a cheeky tap on the bum and so many other ways. Keeping these moments alive is crucial to feelings of intimacy, sexual desire and having a fulfilling sex life.

Hormone changes at perimenopause affect our sense of sexuality, and level of desire and pleasure in so many ways but there’s plenty that can be done to reignite and improve sexual intimacy with your partner.

Read more about improving your sex life in our resource, Sex and pleasure.

And don’t neglect all the little ways to keep the erotic embers glowing between the two of you!

Last updated: May 2026