There are many reasons why your sex life might suffer during perimenopause and menopause and it’s not as simple as the drop in libido you may have heard about. Whether you feel like having sex – and how much you enjoy it – depends on many factors and there is usually no single magic solution that will give you the out-of-body experience we often see portrayed on film.
Many women wish they could improve their sex life with their partner but just don’t know where to start. Even if you’re feeling doubtful or indifferent about improving your sex life, take a look at our practical tips and suggestions with an open mind, and maybe try something new to create your own personalised toolkit of self-help strategies that work for you.
You don’t have to put up with an absent, uncomfortable or mediocre sex life because, let’s face it, life is too short.
You may choose to (or have to) explore and meet your sexual needs on your own. This resource is for you too. Menopause and growing older, being single, divorced, widowed, or in a non-intimate relationship does not have to mean your sex life becomes a thing of the past. There’s usually more we can learn about our minds and bodies and what turns us on, and it can be fun to try out new things on your own.
And did you know, good sex brings health benefits too?!
Regular and satisfying sex and/or orgasms can improve your immunity, lower blood pressure and stress, help your sleep, reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease (including stroke and heart attack), help keep you mentally sharp as you age, and give your pelvic floor muscles a workout while you’re at it!
Potential factors affecting your sex life at menopause
For all of us, there are certain factors in day-to-day life that influence whether we are ‘in the mood’ or not. Some of these might include:
- tiredness
- physical health issues e.g. if we have a cold, headache, back pain, stomach ache, or even if we’ve just had a big meal, it can put us off. And if you snore, this may affect your libido too.
- stress and anxiety
- how we’re feeling about ourselves (body image, self-esteem, confidence)
- how we are feeling towards our partner in that moment, and about the relationship in general
- our environment, for example, an interrupting child or in-laws in the next room
- other life events dominating our thoughts.
Once you add perimenopause or menopause into the mix, some of the above factors become exacerbated such as:
- increased levels of tiredness
- more physical health symptoms like headache, migraine, joint pain and muscle aches
- worsening anxiety
- poorer body image and lack of confidence
- low mood, mood swings and irritability that can negatively affect your relationship
And due to the changes and reduction in hormones, there may also be:
- vulval and vaginal dryness, less lubrication and less vaginal ‘stretchiness’, leading to discomfort or pain during penetrative sex. For some women, the vagina shortens leading to pain on deeper penetration.
- vulval and vaginal soreness and irritation, and thinning of the tissue making the area sore to touch
- changes to the sensitivity of your erogenous zones, particularly the clitoris, either becoming less sensitive or highly sensitive in an unpleasant way
- more urinary tract infections or bouts of thrush
- and of course, a drop in levels of desire…the common symptom of loss of libido at menopause.
So enough of the bad news, what can we do about it?
Ways to improve your sex life
- Replenish your hormones
This is perhaps one of the more straightforward things to rectify. A lack of estrogen and testosterone not only effects your libido but can also cause a lot of the symptoms that put you off sex or make it less enjoyable, like tiredness, aches and pains, low mood, and the physical changes to your genital area.
Think about topping up your hormones with HRT – this means estrogen, progesterone for your womb lining if needed, and testosterone. And if you’re troubled by dryness and soreness down below or getting recurrent urinary tract infections, consider using vaginal estrogen directly on your vulva and inside the vagina, which is very effective and safe, and can be taken long term.
- Prioritise pleasure
Don’t focus on how often you may or may not be having sex, but on how it feels and how much you enjoy it when you do. Feeling obligated to have sex does not tend to be conducive to letting go and enjoying the moment. Remember sex doesn’t have to mean vaginal penetration, you may find it more comfortable or easier to reach orgasm if your vulva and clitoris is stimulated instead. If you’re with someone else, show them what you like and what feels good, and likewise, try and be honest about what doesn’t do it for you. If you find it awkward to talk about, guiding their hand in the moment often does the trick. Don’t focus too much on the elusive orgasm, simply enjoy the journey – whether you reach the destination or not!
- Make it comfortable
As well as using vaginal/vulval estrogen to restore the hydration and health of the genital tissue at menopause, there are two other useful products that don’t contain hormones but can help make sex more comfortable.
- Lubricant and plenty of it! Use a good quality one that’s kind to the skin such as Yes, Sutil or Sylk. Lube is especially useful for easing vaginal penetration when you’re feeling dry or less ‘stretchy’. It can be spread around your vulva, inside the entrance of your vagina, and on whatever is entering the vagina, be it a penis, fingers or sex toy.
- Vaginal moisturiser: you’ll find this in many pharmacies or health and beauty shops. It’s not for during sex, but you apply it a few times a week to help hydrate the area and make things more comfortable at any time. There are brands available specifically designed for menopause, such as Yes VM or Sylk.
Another way to make things more comfortable is to experiment with different positions and angles, as you may find some suit you better than others.
- Talk about it
It’s really important to talk about sex with your partner, if you have one, and try and communicate your needs and desires. Explain your physical and emotional feelings surrounding intimacy and let them know how you’re feeling about yourself in terms of self-confidence and body image too. If this seems really hard for you, you may want to consider talking to a professional on your own about these issues so you can understand your own emotions around sex better. Once you have a clearer understanding of what you feel and why you feel that way, it’s usually much easier to talk to your partner about it. This is especially true if you’ve had unpleasant or traumatic experiences in the past and you find certain things are triggering for you, or you feel overly ‘in your head’ during an intimate moment. If intimacy is difficult with your partner because of issues in your relationship, these usually need to be addressed in order to find a deeper connection and experience more satisfying sex. Issues around sex in peri/menopause are often not solely down to a lack of hormones, it might be a good time to reflect on the health of your relationship and get additional support from a couples’ therapist if needed.
- Make it fun
Learn what you like and don’t like and, if you have a partner, what works for them too. Agree on some boundaries and explore new ways of pleasing each other. Try adding in some games and/or experimenting with sex toys for extra fun. You can always have a play with a toy on your own first to figure out how to get the best out of it. There are so many different devices available now, so why not have a browse online to see if anything piques your interest. The website jodivine.com is founded by Sam Evans, a former nurse and sexual health and pleasure expert, who has used her own experience to research aids appropriate for use in peri/menopause when the vulval/vaginal tissue is more sensitive. It has a range of skin-safe sex toys and lubricants available to buy online.
- A healthy lifestyle improves sex!
And last but not least, eating nutritious food, exercising regularly, managing stress, and getting enough sleep can make a big difference to your energy levels, and how you feel about yourself. Keep up with other self-care practices too that revitalise you and strengthen your sense of self. When you feel good about your body and healthy in your mind, it has a positive impact on your sex life too.
Read our advice on menopause for partners.
We can also recommend the following books, which you may find helpful:
The Better Sex through Mindfulness Workbook: A Guide to Cultivating Desire by Lori A. Brotto PhD.
Mind the Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life by Dr Karen Gurney.
Last updated: June 2026
